"What person have I become?".
I closed my eyes and tried to remember the happening from the past...
Moments later, I heard a cry. A cry of a little girl. I took time to look for it and I did follow where the cry is coming from. Then, there I saw a little girl crying in one corner covering her face with her two hands and by the way she cries, I could tell that it was so real for some reason that even I can't understand. But, I can feel her. As I moved towards her, she turn her face away, as if hiding it more. Still, I approached her and tried to get her hands off her face. She was hesitant and said, "Go away! I don't need you! I don't need anyone!" But, I didn't give up. I was holding her wrists and felt her strength. The strength of a little child who seems to be knowing everything and believes that she can handle herself. I didn't let go of her and slowly the strength I felt before was getting weak now, though her cries were still so real. Her hands were tightly holding on to mine now and as she looked up and searched for my face, there I saw the pain on that little girls eyes. The way that her eyes looked at me is as if she's begging for something. Some what telling me, "Please, please help me." I asked her, "Why dear? What's wrong?" She answered back, "It hurts. It really does." Then I thought if she was wounded or something and had a quick look through her arms and legs and asked, "Where? Tell me where does it hurt dear." She took my hand and placed it above her chest and said, "Here. It hurts here. I feel so much pain here." I sighed. By then I knew, it was the little girl's heart feeling the pain.
The real story began when I asked her, "Why does it hurt there?" She said, "I don't know. But this started when I saw them part ways..." She was still crying, but in a soft manner now. She continued, " I'm wondering on why such thing has to happen. Why is it that it seems so sad that I can't even do anything about it even if how hard I would cry, still nothing would happen. I can't change the way it is now. Why does it has to happen that way?" I could somehow understand what she was trying to explain. She had witnessed two significant persons in her life part their ways and wishing that it didn't happen. I could feel that there are so many questions on this child's mind and I felt sorry for what she's into and on what she feels. Maybe she's now having some trouble on how to look at life in the future at a very young age. Then I started answering back, "Hush now my dear. You'll be alright. You know, I may not have the answers to your questions but I'll tell you this: often times, we may not understand why things happen but there are certain reasons behind what's happening. You do know Papa God right?" She nodded. "Just pray to Papa God always because it is Him who can give you the answers to your questions." Then she curiously asked, "When will Papa God tell me the answer? How long would it take? What if He'll never give it to me and would never talk to me about it?" I smiled to her and said, "You have to be patient my dear. In time, He will answer you. And believe me, He will always try to talk to you and one day you'll see the answers right before your eyes." Her face was still sad, but even though she didn't answer back to what I said, I knew that she was trying to convince herself to believe and hope that the things I've said were true. I gave her a warm embrace and she said a simple 'thank you' to me. I felt relieved when I saw her paint a simple smile on her face. By then I knew that this little girl would go a long way. . .
As I gently opened my eyes, I realized that I just had a self-talk to the five-year-old me. That little girl crying was me. Tears started to flow once again but I was uncertain on what made me cry. Was it about the pain that child felt from from the past or the pain that I am feeling now in present time? As I tried to find out, I know now that I am crying because of the present happenings in my life and said to myself, "Wow. Time flies so fast and a lot of things already happened in my life." But sigh. I figured out that the little girl's questions haven't been answered yet until now. . . Gosh. It would really take a long time. Longer that what I've expected it to be.
Oh, God until when will I be waiting for Your answers? I thought that I could already give an assurance to myself that You already did give me the answers, but why am I still in pain of knowing that it is really painful finding out the answers to my questions before? I thought that I had already seen the change that the real world would be better as I go on with life, but I still haven't stopped questioning 'why'. Maybe soon, I'm still hoping that soon I would still see the reasons on why things are happening this way now. Are all of these still part of the process of figuring out what the answers are? Because if it is, I will still continue to hold on to You, would endure everything and would not let go until the day that You would reveal to me the answers I am waiting for. . . and by then, I'll be holding to that 'One Piece' of treasure I am dreaming to grasp for a long time now. . .
I am now looking on this chapter in the Bible and prayed to God:
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me.
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. . .
- I could somehow answer the question I asked at the beginning of this writing. . .
That I have become a person who's still hoping.
A person that is having a deeper faith in God.
A person that still believes that one day I would be looking back and would say,
"Thank You for Your answer Lord."
I would never regret the day that I promised not to let go of You.