No blog entry for April, one entry for May and this -- first entry for June. Yes, I haven't been blogging too much. Wondering why. Wondering what's wrong. I don't wanna be too emotional yet here I am, starting this blog with a sigh.
June already?! How quick is the time? Can't even pause it for a while and do all the things that I have to do. You know, like when you watch a certain movie, where you can pause it for a while and just play it again after doing a certain thing. At this moment, I should be honest enough to say that I am tired of EVERYTHING! At this point, I am no longer certain on what I feel. It feels like I'm just floating on where I am, not knowing where to go, not motivated enough to reach the goal, not inspired to keep on moving forward. I say to myself, "What a weakling? You should be better than that! But look at you? Going no where." Yes, I am a weakling. Last month, I said my spirits are still high, but now I can say that it's falling down and that's not a good sign.
Today, on my way home, I gave in. I cried. Sign of weakness again. There's too much unwanted feelings hidden inside me and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it anymore. So yes, I prayed. I prayed hard. And you know what? He gave me a wonderful message for this day. That He is God -- God is God. He reminded me that He's just there. And then, I was ashamed of myself. I forgot that He's just there. Forgot that I should be thankful for a lot of things. Forgot that I should not just look on the hardships, but to every single blessing He's giving me. Forgot that I can't do anything without Him on my side, doing things on my own.
And so I said to myself that I shouldn't continue to be like this. I should be strong because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I know I can do better. I must prove to myself, especially to Him, that I am not a weakling. He didn't send me to this world to be weak and just fail. Whatever is the purpose on why I'm here on where I am, it's according to what He had planned for me. And I do believe that His plans are always great, always amazing.
(from Our Daily Bread, 7th of June '11)
Lord, help us trust You all the time
Regardless of what comes our way,
Accepting from Your goodness that
You always have the final say. —Sper
Life is hard, but God is good—all the time.