Hello you! Yes, you! :) You're here on my page and yes, you will know me... maybe just a glimpse of me but since you're here, you can already see a part of who I am. I welcome you to my blogging world and I'm happy to have you here!

Thanks for dropping by!

Love to all!

Thursday, January 2, 2020

2020's First

New year y'all! Thank You, Jesus, for a new year!

My heart is full of high hopes and I'm praying that my heart remains this way - full of hope. I probably say this every start of the year, but I never get to stick to it, that I would blog more. Well, I can only try, right? But, one of my goals for this year is actually that, blog more. So I thought, one of the reasons is that the goal I've set wasn't specific so my mind and heart are not wired to it. And so this year, I will make it more achievable. I will blog at least once a month. Too easy to say, yeh? But I know I would still struggle on that, although, I will keep trying to fulfill that goal. I have many goals, or let's say plans for self-growth this year. I started listing them down today, and it felt good. By now, I know that I tend to stick to a to-do list. For the past years, like for as long as I can remember, I always have a to-do list. What I didn't learn before is to have a to-do list for myself. Yes, for myself. I needed to learn that the hard way, and that's one of the most important things I have learned last year. I only realised last year that it is so important to include myself on that list. It's more on checking-in on myself, really. Like asking the simple question, "How was you're day, Little Christine?" or "How are you feeling, Little Christine?". (I call myself 'Little Christine' because it's like talking to my younger self. The younger version of me who needs to be asked that question. Who needs nurturing. Who needs to feel cared for and loved always. And I've also learned that last year from my therapist, which will probably be another blog entry one of these days).

So, yeah... I'm gonna do that - go through my 'self to-do list'. Every start, every new beginning is of course not easy. As I say to myself, and to others as well... "The beginning is always the hardest." It may be hard at the start to stick to the plans or goals I've set for myself, but I am hopeful that I will be able to live up to it, with the help of God, of course. I would't be able to do anything otherwise.

And so, how is Little Christine today? She is smiling, hopeful, and very excited for the coming SEP camp! It's her first time, too. So, to whoever is reading this right now... help us pray for the coming camp - for all the staff, the campers, the weather, and everything that we have to do. Thank you!

The start of the year serving God is such a great start! I am grateful to have this opportunity to attend as the camp nurse. Like, really overwhelmed by it - in a good way. God is so amazing! Thank You, Lord, for your love and grace. May You be with me every step of the way and work on me so I can serve You and others, in the way You wanted me to. I offer my all to You, Lord. Amen.

P.S. I gave my blog a new look - yellow. I see yellow as a colour of hope and also see it as a colour close to gold - because for me red is not the colour of love. Love to me is like a golden yellow colour - like the sun. Like the sunrise and sunset - they have yellow on them. Full of hope. Alive. Burning. Yellow is love. 💛

Monday, December 30, 2019

An Open Letter to God

It's that time of the year when I get to reflect and look back on the year 2019... I don't know how to start, but I'm going to try...

I'll be speaking to God here and try to pour my heart out as I feel like I needed to do this so I can cry it all to Him, and be grateful at the same time...

~Lord God, My Heavenly Father... King of kings and Lord of lords...
Hello po... It's me, Your Little Christine... writing down and trying to express herself to You...

Lord, thank You for everything that You have made possible this year. Thank You for never leaving my side even when I think and feel that I am not worthy of Your love. Thank You, that despite of all my wrong doings and mistakes, You have never abandoned me. Thank You for making me realise that You love me and that Your love is never changing, never ceasing, unconditional, and faithful. Thank You for all the lessons. Thank You for all the pains, the hurts, the heartbreaks... Thank You for allowing me to reach the absolute bottom of me life where I needed to see You and only You... so I may realise that it is only You I needed to depend on. Thank You for never allowing the darkness consume me when I absolutely feel that I'm not worthy to live this life anymore and that the world is better off without me in it. Thank You for not letting the enemy win over me when I wanted to end my life because I see myself worthless, and that I am tired of it all. I'm still tired, Lord... I'm still really tired... But, in You I find rest... So, thank You that despite all my doubts, my fears, my anxieties, my depression... You have shown Yourself to me for me not to give up, even if I really, really wanted to. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have You.

There are so many things... so many people, so may parts of me that I have lost this year... so many people I've hurt because of my decisions... and for them, I'm deeply sorry. You know my heart, Lord... You know what I feel even when I don't say it. You know what I'm thinking even before I speak about them. You know me... above everyone that knows me well... and for that, thank You. Thank You because in your eyes I am perfect and that I am who I am meant to be, and I am where I'm suppose to be, even though often times, all I see are my imperfections, my mistakes, my failures, my worthlessness... and this is all because You have a plan... a plan for me which is still to be revealed in Your time. This is all part of the journey You have put me in, because You are not finished with me yet, and there is nothing that You have started that You won't finish... and for sure, it will be all worth it, because You are God and You are full of wonders and beauty.

Lord, thank You for the people around me who made me feel Your love by never leaving my side no matter what. For the people who accepts me as me. For the people who sees me as me... despite all my darkness and failures. For the people who constantly reminds me that I am me, and that there is so much beauty in me. They are like Your angels on earth in my life, and I'm truly grateful for all of them... that You have given them strength and have continued to bless their hearts so they can be there for people like me, who needed to feel and see You. Thank You Lord that by them, I am reminded that a huge part of my being is wanting to live so I can be there for others. Thank You that by them I am reminded that I need to brave on and have faith because they need me as well... and by this, I am reminded that one of the reasons I live is to give love, and accept love in return.

Lord, for those people that I wasn't able to reconcile with before the year ends, or even speak to nor see... I offer them to You, Lord. I really wanted to reach out to them and say sorry and apologise from the bottom of my heart... how deeply sorry I am... but for now, I have realised and learned that the best thing to do is leave it all alone and not know... maybe in time, but not now... or not ever... and maybe that is okay. I am praying for these people, Lord, that they may also heal and find peace on what's happened this year. I have disappointed a lot of people. I have hurt or offended them, and although I don't mean it... I know it doesn't change the fact that they are hurting too... so, I'm sorry Lord... I would want to say it to them, but it's not possible for now. So, I'm offering them to You, Lord... I pray that one day, they will heal... and so will I.

As I look back, I could see that I am so blessed by You, Lord. I am still alive. I AM STILL ALIVE! And this is all because You are there... always there by my side. THANK YOU, LORD, FOR KEEPING ME ALIVE! And thank You for You have once again opened my heart in ways that hurt me to the core of my being, so I may search for You and be reunited with You once again... THIS IS THE GREATEST BLESSING I GOT THIS YEAR - I'M REUNITED WITH YOU... and I couldn't ask for anything more... because You are all I'll ever need, Lord. You are all I need.Thank You for being everything to me. For always sustaining me, providing my needs, making me feel that I am more than worthy of Your grace and love. You are amazing, Lord! You never fail. Every single time... You are the only one who never failed in my life... no matter how messy it is, no matter how hard... You are always there showing me Your goodness, Your grace, Your majesty.

While I'm writing all of these, I'm more amazed that I thought 2019 is the worst year of my life, but no... it is one of the greatest years of my life!!! It has been so painful, but You never fail to amaze me with Your grace, Lord! Thank You for all that You are!

And so, because year 2019 is ending... the year full of changes for me... I look forward to 2020 with a hopeful heart - the year of acceptance. Accepting all the changes, accepting all the challenges, accepting all the hardships, and also accepting more of Your blessings, more of Your lessons, more of Your goodness, more of Your graciousness, more of Your faithfulness, more of Your love... and so so so much more of everything that You are, so Your Little Christine will be a living witness of the Great God, who she serves... All for Your glory, Lord. All for You!

2020 will be a year of acceptance. I claim it, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, My Lord, My Saviour, My ever loving God... Amen!

Wednesday, August 28, 2019


Thoughts are running in my mind... non-stop.
I feel restless often times and I can't control it.
I know I'm not okay, and have been trying all this time to be.
It's been the toughest season I have been in, or is it?
I'm not quite sure but it feels like it.

Often times, a dark cloud seems to hover over me.
It tries to consume me.
And so, when it comes...
I pray.
I pray that it goes away.
I pray that it doesn't win on trying to eat me alive.
I pray for strength.
I pray that the enemy won't win.
I pray for hope.

Yes, hope.
It's one thing that keeps me going.
Hope that the dark cloud won't consume me.
Won't come back.

My hope is in God.
I know this is true.
And I hold on to that.
And somehow, I can see some light.